ridicule is nothing to be scared off

moved

2005-09-29T20:44:09Z

http://www.livejournal.com/users/chillis_blues

poem

2005-09-15T18:39:32Z

"In all my days"

"I think there's something that you just feel
is missing from your life." - Richey James Edwards

It has been one day of change when there was
a cloud burst.
A desolation
was pouring down my lips.
And i stopped smiling.
What have I done to my consciousness
when i realised
there is no ray of sunshine,
only green mixed with yellow above?
(It was fall.
Children have been forgotten.
A hush fell over the air.)

"The only thing people cling to is the past."

The past when the funerals, death and clocks
hadn't existed.
So many things were born of vacancy.

You die when you stumble back.

Clean my friends list

2005-08-26T15:29:37Z

Yep i'm going to do that i guess. So please everyone who wants to stay there tell me.

astridehim @ 2005-06-20T12:08:00

2005-06-20T10:33:52Z

I stay at home today. Im supposed to be doing this big huge school book but i dont know if i want to. On Saturday me and slow__drug went to a club but somehow the party that was supposed to be there wasn't..instead there was some hip hop gig and breakdance party for 30 zł (about 7 euro) so we were kinda pissed off. we dicided to go and buy some food and we were just walking across Gdynia, talking and eating.

And some time ago...about 1 and a half week ago we spent three days in the house in the forest and here are all pictures:

you never knew the smell of concrete

2005-06-15T19:42:41Z

the fall you made me stab your heart

"pretending" you said "is the most common thing in peoples lives"
and i swallowed your words, trying not to forget this sentence.
i couldn't wake up while you were siting on one side of a bed.
i made you wait in cold, not expecting you will just leave the room.
walking across the hunging bridge, passing girls by, crossing arterials
i was eating the awkward time of silence, naked and shivering.
being fucked up beyond all reality i stood there with axe in my back
and oh god if i wasnt so afraid to not hold my breath and to turn pale
i would. if only i could slap the fear's face.

i wasted 19 years searching for deformity of shame
in which i was brought up.
you gave a speech how cruel is the shape of this world
and how you could just go to heaven after passing away.
i did not believe in your artifice.
i answered with weassel words
you were a tissue of lies, i was looking in your box and picking one
to make the sky bright blue again
while you were siting on my laps discovering how woman's
neck tastes and you took my crop top off asking me
to abandon what we already had.
and oh my i was begging god to let me pray for this moment.
the only moment in which i loved you.

astridehim @ 2005-06-11T11:38:00

2005-06-11T09:40:46Z

im starting to miss everyone from my school. im sad. i dont know how to think positivly..
ill try.

i got your letter and card Trowa sweetheart! its long and i like long letters :D it was very vey vey nice to read it. i luv ya hun :*:*

astridehim @ 2005-05-27T08:40:00

2005-05-27T06:44:29Z

So yeah...im down..
i dont know what happened.
i thought im normal again and lord how wrong i was. damn it!

i will try anyway. i will pretend. i have to change. i dont want 2004 to chase me.

im sorry that im not commenting. but i read everything. i just need to be in a better mood. thats all..

xo Jolie

astridehim @ 2005-05-12T22:02:00

2005-05-12T20:03:15Z

I SUCK, YOU ROCK

o_0

2005-05-01T19:10:50Z

Haha i've just found out Adam Ant apeared in one of the episodes of "La femme Nikita"! In third season i think. That's so cute haha. And i wanna have the same ribbons, dude! Look:

yeah it's him. my sis is a fan of Nikita, same 'bout me. when she sees this picture she will die laughing haha. she hates guys in make up arghh oh well, we're quite different. you wouldn't guess we're fucking sisters..

anyway i am prepering for exams witch is not easy considering my laziness and a lot of free time that i prefer spending on other more interesting things...ehh ya know, i found this quote:

"Every day of my life I feel I'm not as good a writer as I could be, I'm not as intelligent as I could be, I try and constantly read to improve my mind and get a better perspective on world history. Nobody's ever gonna get good enough to know everything, but I think I try - which is more than a lot of people do." - Richey Manic

It helps me mobilize...and i have to study history, so there you go haha same as Richey.

<333 take care everybody.

THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY

2005-04-27T16:00:07Z

and btw 18/20 pkt means 90% at the english exam.
lost> i somehow miss you you crazy bitch :D

astridehim @ 2005-04-26T09:44:00

2005-04-26T07:49:52Z

I'm fucking BORED! My life's boring. argghh i don't even stay at home. i spend most time with ppl and still I AM BORED ;( someone please do something so i won't feel so empty.

smoking is bad, kids.

priceless!^^ this woman with a kid on her arms was walking backwards because the birds, hugee birds were following and chasing her xD

b&w why not..

<333

OH I WISH, I WISH I COULD MAKE A WISH..

2005-04-21T09:30:13Z

now it's past. the end of school. this was the best class i had :D

CALL ME FUCKER.

2005-04-16T09:42:22Z

ahh no just kidding...
so yesterday i finnished school. now uni is waiting for me. so all the students went to school for the last time (thank God should i add). Miss T. told us she liked our class which is unbelievable lol. anyway after school i went back home and then with some ppl from my class we went drinking like some homeless ppl in the most dark place so the police couldn't see we're drinking in a public place..and yeah there was a police but we menaged to hide everything....cool enough.

who will come up with some name for my guitar?

I NEED MORE FRIENDS

2005-04-14T12:30:04Z

Yep. i need more friends but it's so hard to make friends with anyone...huh or maybe i'm just strange.

YES I AM STRANGE STRANGE STRANGE AS FUCK.

I love to swear in any language. There were few ppl who told me to stop. I said i'll try. And i tried. Believe me i did but i just love cuss that is all.. So theres a lot of shit happening in my life at the moment. I have to give a speech on Wednesday and week after that i have to give a speech in english. Then on the 5th of May I will have to show my skills in writing in polish on the exam and then in english on the next exam and then i will have a history test. And you know what? I have to pass all of these exams veryyyy good. Otherwise i won't get to uni. So i will be stressed and scared until the 19th of May and it sucks.
Wish me luck lol. I will do my best.

HA HA HA

2005-04-10T17:26:55Z

FINALLY I HAVE MSN so if anyone wanna talk i'm waiting :D (my english is terrible btw xD)

it's the first day of the rest of your life

2005-04-10T11:06:57Z

I see you found my underground.

Awwwww Brian where's your hair? ? ? ! Well i like it that way, yes i do :)

POPE IS DEAD

2005-04-02T20:49:01Z

[*][*][*][*][*][*][*]

there's nothing more to say. crying..

Oh God...its bad

2005-04-01T10:21:42Z

Today i went to school and on a french lesson i started to feel very sick so i asked if i can go out of the classroom. The teacher was scared cos i was so pale...so now i'm home and feeling good but it was so strange! i almost passed out.

me with Emi in the park close to my home

and me with Ania...i have a snow on my hair and look stupid haha

astridehim @ 2005-03-25T18:35:00

2005-03-25T17:37:46Z

About Me Personality Quiz
Created by jeffq1985 and taken 48951 times on bzoink!
What is your name?	Barbara
How old are you?	18
When is your Birthday?	12 October
What is your zodiac sign?	waga (how is it in english?)
Where were you born?	Gdańsk, Poland
Where do you live now?	Gdańsk, Poland
What color eyes do you have?	hazel
What color hair do you have?	brown, dying black
How tall are you?	177 cm
How much do you weigh? (Be Honest Ladies)	around 70 kg
What is your race?	uhmmm white..
What is your worst fear?	getting old
Do you smoke?	not really...
Do you drink?	yes
Do you cuss?	HELL yes!
Do you use drugs?	nope but i've tried
Have you ever or will you ever steal?	i stole someone's project in school xD
Are you dependable and/or trustworthy?	i guess..hmm
Do you play in a band or play an instrument?	keyboard, i have a guitar but i can't play it
Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?	nope but i want a piercing in my lip
If you had a favorite serial killer who would it be?	have no idea
Do you suffer from depression disorder?	i was for sure but now i don't know if it's depression or if i'm only feeling down..
If you had a choice about how you wanted to die what would it be?	FUCK THERE"S NO DIFFERENCE
Have you ever tried to commit suicide?	no and i'm not gonna.
Have you ever purposely caused harm to yourself or someone else?	i constantly hurt myself but i leave others in peace
What subculture do you belong too?	to none
Are you evil?	oh yeah
Do you believe that you can be possesed?	tomatto
Are you a paranoid person?	yess
Do you ever get jealous of somebody else?	always
Are you obsessive and/or compulsive?	obsessive definately
Are you a violent person?	yes
Do you take your anger out on other people?	nope
Do you blame other people for your mistakes?	if they are my mistakes no but if they are mine and theirs than sometimes i blame only others..
What is your favorite game?	i do not have
What is your favorite movie?	Scarlet diva or Cruel Intentions...can't decide
Who is your favorite band?	Placebo
What is your favorite song?	Hurt by Nine Inch Nails
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?	different kinds
What is your favorite color?	black, white sometimes pink or green and blue. i like all the colors
What is your favorite food?	polish?
What is your favorite drink?	'wściekły pies'
Do you own a pari of converse?	i owned but they're past
Do you own a pair of dickies?	nope
Would you ever kill yourself or someone else?	no never ever, don't worry ;)
Are you a virgin?	yes
Are you kinky?	uhmm i am kinky in a way
Do you like biting?	no
Do you masturbate?	who doesn't? even in one's mind?
Do you watch pornography?	nope it's gross
Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color?	never only black and it's a normal color i hope
Have you ever shaved your head in a socially unacceptable way?	nope
Are you hyper active person?	nope
Are you religious?	NOOOO
Do you have any self inflicted scars?	a lot
Does pain turn you on?	sometimes
Do you stand for originality and creativity?	yep
Do you like meeting new people?	yes i think yes
What do you like most about life?	i can't think about a single thing i like about it right now
What do you dislike most about life?	the fact that it's pointless
Do you believe in love at first fright?	nope
Have you ever pierced a body part yourself?	no neverrr
Have you ever had to beg for dinner money?	no thank god
Do you own a car?	no
Have you been to jail, yet?	no
Are your clothes held together with safety pins?	no haha
Do you have actual scars from punk rock shows?	no
Have you ever vomit while making out?	nope
Have you held a job for less than a day?	hahaha no
Do you own more than two pair of jeans?	yes three :D one pair i don't wear
Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason?	yes
Have you ever been kicked out of your parents house?	no
Have you ever been fired from your job because of your attitude?	no
Does the world piss you off?	oh yess
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

These are the things i love

2005-03-22T16:47:30Z

So, I was at school and there was nothing to do as always and it DOES BOTHER ME. Every time when i'm sitting at my desk at school i'm thinking about 100 million other things i could do at the time. SCHOOL = BOREDOM.
We don't do anything anymore. We just sit there waiting for the scarrryyyy exams to come. Really I would prefer to learn at home than doing nothing at school. IRRITATING! Oh and teachers TEACHERS LOVE telling me i'm an idiot and i'm not gonna pass this fucking exam, le baccaloreat, matura fucking SHIT! Hate my life HATE IT!

OH MY FUCKING GOD

2005-03-21T21:30:26Z

IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! Myslovitz oł gaszzzz they were brilliant. I'm exhousted. I was dancing, jumpping and singing like mad! Artur Rojek - the lead singer and the whole band they really put their hearts into the music. I have no words. AMAZING.

I could not take any pictures. It sucks but i didn't have my camera and it was not alloweded either so fuck it.

astridehim @ 2005-03-18T18:28:00

2005-03-18T17:30:02Z

how i feel right now. and the concert is in two days. i love myslovitz <3

MAN OF GLASS - MYSLOVITZ

Though the night's still glowing round
Yet I know the day is bad
Pop stars in a paper bread
And again I find my face
All neglected, out of place
In my hair there is some spray

Now it's warm, I've lit the stove
Burned my poems, feel so small
My diploma's on the wall
In the long jump - third place won
There is no more use of me
So I'd better go to sleep
Don't look at my photos, please

There's nothing in my heart
No value any more
The redness of my blood
Is just a kind of joke
And I want to forget
As often as I can
There's nothing in my heart
No value any more

And you should guard my dreams
Come any time you like
Those moments of my days
You'll hold within your hand
So do not cheer me up
I'll stand here all alone
There's nothing in my heart
No value any more

scarlet diva

2005-03-14T15:22:53Z

I WANT YOU AND STILL DO NOT HAVE YOU
and iloveyouloveyouhateyou

come back to me awhile

will it work?

2005-03-13T20:56:20Z

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Barbara
Birthday:	12 october 1986
Birthplace:	Poland, Gdańsk
Current Location:	Gdansk
Eye Color:	brown
Hair Color:	black
Height:	177 cm
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	polish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	my doc martens
Your Weakness:	hmm a lot
Your Fears:	growing old, being old
Your Perfect Pizza:	uhmm i like every pizza
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	get laid haha
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	nie kumam (in english: i don't get it, don't understand)
Thoughts First Waking Up:	f-u-c-k-i-n-g-s-c-h-o-o-l
Your Best Physical Feature:	hands
Your Bedtime:	10 or 11 pm
Your Most Missed Memory:	just childhood
Pepsi or Coke:	none
MacDonalds or Burger King:	mc
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	none
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	coffee
Do you Smoke:	occasionally
Do you Swear:	umm a lot
Do you Sing:	yep
Do you Shower Daily:	haha nope sometimes i take a bath
Have you Been in Love:	no
Do you want to go to College:	in Poland we have a different educational system
Do you want to get Married:	probably yes
Do you belive in yourself:	not at all
Do you get Motion Sickness:	nope never
Do you think you are Attractive:	hell NONONONONO i'm fucking scary
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	hmm often yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	huh?
Do you play an Instrument:	keyboard
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	don't remember but probably yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no such thing in poland
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	nope
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope thanks God
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	woot?!
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	hmmm don't remember
Ever been Drunk:	hahaha once only tho i dring a lot
Ever been called a Tease:	nooo
Ever been Beaten up:	fucking yes! Prokop you fucking idiot you little shit asshole fuck!!!!!
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	suicide
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	a human
What country would you most like to Visit:	Great britain
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	green
Favourite Hair Color:	dark
Short or Long Hair:	in between or short
Height:	doesn't metter
Weight:	uhmm i like skinny boys
Best Clothing Style:	tramp
Number of Drugs I have taken:	2 only haha i'm cleannn
Number of CDs I own:	i don't feel like counting now...but a lot
Number of Piercings:	two
Number of Tattoos:	zero
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	a lott
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I CUT MY HAIR

2005-03-06T21:13:25Z

Oh God. I look....different.

o_0

BEFORE

sorry i'm in pijama but i'm going to bed now. it's 10.12 pm here.

<3